 I am an East Coast expatriate hiding out in the Midwest... I am an urban gal living in the suburbs and occasionally hiding in the country I am a yoga practitioner, fitness enthusiast, believer in the mind-body-spirit connection... I am a mid-life "revert" to the Roman Catholic faith in which I was raised and which has become an enormous source of support, encouragement, inspiration, and joy in my life... I am a mom, sister, daughter, and wife... I am an explorer; adventurous and curious about the world and people around me... I am educated in the formal sense but I gain insight through everyday living... I created this blog at a time of great fear and apprehension in my life. I chose to sustain it because of the discoveries about myself and the world around me that it has revealed. What you can expect to find here: the documentation of a love-hate relationship with the greater Philadelphia area
reminiscing about the good-ole-days (the 80's!)
complaints about my various ailments and injuries, both real and imagined
pictures and stories of gardening, decorating, shopping, sewing
my love of irony
links to kooky news stories
way too much scatological musing for sane people
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Monday, October 17, 2005
There's not a good way to break the news so I'll just blurt it out in my usual style:
I noticed a lack of fetal movement this weekend and after a visit to the Gyne today, confirmed via ultrasound that the baby died. I am far from shocked as, considering the host of maladies that plagued this baby, he wasn't expected to make it as far along as he did. Due to the circumstances of this pregnancy - mainly being that I had little to no "dreams ' or "expecations" for him in terms of thinking farther along than post-natal surgeries and hospitalizations- I think that this late miscarraige/stillbirth is a special blessing to him and to me - in that he won't have to endure all of those surgeries and tubes up his nose etc etc etc. For me it brings a sense of relif in that now I no longer have to "fight" to get him care and carry the pregnancy the way I wanted to. I fought to carry him as far as I could and in that, I succeeded. I also learned about a variety of congenital issues that effect other children worldwide and now am more sensitive to their plight and the uphill battles that many of their parents face.
I explained the situation to my 5 1/2 year old daughter and she took it very well. I used plain languae as is advised by berevement counselors: ""You know that the baby had a very sick heart? Well he died."
She said, "Oh that's sad mommy. Are you going to the hospital to let him get born even though he died?" Yes, I explained, mommy will be in the hospital a few days and then we can bury the baby at a cemetary. She replied, "Oh, that will be good. We can have him in a little graveyard." Oddly enough, her comfort level discussing issues of death were heigtened this spring when she attended the funeral of a distant relative. She had been discussing wht to do "if the baby dies" after I got the first fetal echocardiogram. I think we ahve been very attuned to the fact that the viablilty of this pregnancy was very low, and thus, there is a mixed bag of emotions going on here: mild sadness, relief, hopefullness for the future, and that "sense of closure" that people always talk about.
I still have to go through the labor process beginning tomorrow so until then I'm sure alot of other feelings will come into play. One that I feel right now , is pride. I am proud that I fought for my CHOICE to continue the pregnancy. When I was in college I marched in pro-choice rallies, not really understanding the process of pregnancy and motherhood on an intimate leve, but rather knowing that I never wanted someone else telling me what I would intuitively know was best for me and my body. I still feel that way, but now with the intimate knowledge of pregnancy and motherhood. I never thought I'd have to battle to CHOOSE to be pregnant but in an ironic twist in my life, that is indeed what happened. I also feel APPRECIATION - for all of my family, friends, and cyber-buddies who have offered prayers, thoughts of healing and wellness, and high-five's to me along the way.
I did use the baby's chosen name as the heading for this blog entry. I never felt comfortable using it, even when he was alive and moving, because, I guess I feared any intimacy with him. It was an intuitive protection mechanism, I suppose.
So now I have alot of things to do to get ready for hospital stay, funeral, etc etc etc. My mother is flying in tonight to help with some of the issues, such as childcare, etc. Hubby is taking a few days off from work too, although I'm not sure if I want him with me at the hospital or not. We'll work all those details out tonight, I guess.
Thanks again to everyone for their prayers and support: now I need one last round of prayers that I have a safe delivery process tomorrow and wednesday.
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