 I am an East Coast expatriate hiding out in the Midwest... I am an urban gal living in the suburbs and occasionally hiding in the country I am a yoga practitioner, fitness enthusiast, believer in the mind-body-spirit connection... I am a mid-life "revert" to the Roman Catholic faith in which I was raised and which has become an enormous source of support, encouragement, inspiration, and joy in my life... I am a mom, sister, daughter, and wife... I am an explorer; adventurous and curious about the world and people around me... I am educated in the formal sense but I gain insight through everyday living... I created this blog at a time of great fear and apprehension in my life. I chose to sustain it because of the discoveries about myself and the world around me that it has revealed. What you can expect to find here: the documentation of a love-hate relationship with the greater Philadelphia area
reminiscing about the good-ole-days (the 80's!)
complaints about my various ailments and injuries, both real and imagined
pictures and stories of gardening, decorating, shopping, sewing
my love of irony
links to kooky news stories
way too much scatological musing for sane people
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005
It is going to take me a long time to heal, I know. What preoccupies my thoughts most of the time is my fear of social situations and how I will handle them. For now my mom and, next week, my sister, are taking my daughter to school. I haven't had to talk to anyone who didn't already know about the situation. I have had people do food shopping, etc. for me. I know I'm not ready to leave the house yet - physically (still bleeding and cramping) or emotionally.
I still have that unfortunate tell-tale "pooch" in front from pregnancy so none of my old clothes remotely fit. I have a few sweatpants and big tshirts which will suffice for now, I guess. I did think about the whole clothing issue alot. On my return home from the hospital last Friday, the first order of business (which I shouldn't have done due to the physicality of it) was purge my closet of ALL maternity clothes. I couldn't stand to look at them at all.
I just don't want to look pregnant. I'm not trying to forget I WAS...but I have the reminder of an extended and yet sadly empty uterus bulging out of my belly.
I thought of many of the tunic-type babydoll tops in junior's dept's but I always thought that those looked like maternity tops on me so they are definately not an option!
I did manage to snag one longer blouse at Walmart which looks "neat" over a pair of stretch twill elastic-waist black bootcut pants (also from WallyWorld.) That's my "emergency" going out of the house outfit. It hides my body's bulges but not in a sloppy way. I know that these days many people see women with a bit of jiggle around the waistline...typical Americans that we are! But pre-preggo I didn't have that and then I had been pretty "obvious" looking during my maternal state (or at least, I thought so.) Plus-size clothes don't work (I tried) because up top I don't need the extra fabric. Luckily we are heading into cold weather here so I can hide beneath a big polar fleece anorak if I need to...
I was never preoccupied with "fashion" per se; I hate things with logos and such on them. But I have always prided myself on being "neatly groomed" - shower, dried hair, bit of lipstick and a nice fitting tshirt, jeans, and cute sneakers would be a typical outfit. So...a sense of personal style has always been there...just not the b.s. of "deisgner" labels.
I guess I find my sloppy stretch-knit choices in my dresser to be the antithesis of a "pick me up" right now. I'm looking for some dignity and sense of self-assurance via my closet but sweats ain't cuttin' it for me.
I tried shopping online for some cute but longer length/oversized shirts but found nothing I liked...I'm not even sure what size I am anyway. Pre-pregnancy I was a 10 or 12petite or M or L depending on the brand. Yesterday to Jack E.'s funeral I was lucky enough to squeeze into a 16 petite black silk suit I had in the attic from a few years ago.
I think I may have to look to a few online resources for petites clothing that come in larger sizes (Petite XL, etc.) The hassle with "petites" is the clothing makers largely design for, well...those shrunken-down little old ladies. But heading into the holiday season they ALWAYS bring out the velour jog suits. Not entirely my style but at least velour is "dressier" than my drawstring Hanes.
I'd love to go out to a thrift store, Old Navy, Target, etc to try on some "transitonal" stuff but I need to really stay at home - I am not healing as well as I should be (still have heavy bleeding.)
So...anyway I'm just ranting on about one little and not really all that important of an issue...guess its time for another Xanax!!!!!!
Posted at 02:19 pm by brandy101
 | | | loz
October 26, 2005 02:23 AM PDT
yeah, I agree with what the others have said, about taking your time & finding extra support if/when you need it.
man, I wish I was near you physically! I'd go hunting thrift stores for clothes for you, and bring 'em back with donuts & coffee (or, you know... comfort foods you'd personally want) to pamper you & parade the clothing finds around the living room so m'lady could take her pick of the bunch ;).
anyway, I hope you feel more comfy & better about what you've got to wear soon, clothes-wise, but try to give yourself a break while your body still needs more quiet time to heal. maybe one of your family can even help with picking some stuff up for you. and what a great idea Michelle had! shop online and 'charrrrrrrrgeIT'! (like Wilma & Betty on the Flintstones, haha)
l.
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| | | Michelle
October 25, 2005 07:54 PM PDT
Keep on keepin on my friend. Time is all that will heal you physically. I liked Nic's idea of a support group, someone that understands. But know we are here to listen anytime too.
On a lighter topic you are a silly gal out shopping so soon. BUT if you must be shopping check out ONLINE www.llbean.com they have this incredibly long cotton cardigan that looks great over a pair of (whatever) pants with a tee under it with sneakers. I will email you the link.
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| | | AbbyNormal
October 25, 2005 05:02 PM PDT
I understand your not wanting to get out and "mingle" right now. The questions people will have, but won't ask. The awkwardness. And if that's all not enough, no clothes!
Your memorial garden sounds like a wonderful idea.
I remember being somewhat in your shoes, but less traumatic in my opinion (the three I lost were all during first trimester). It seems outrageous that the world just keeps spinning, and people just keep going about their regular business, like nothing's happened.
But it does keep spinning, even though something did happen. Take your own time. | |
| | | Nic
October 25, 2005 04:23 PM PDT
Brandy, I know we all mean well and do our best to send you all the positive feelings we can, but we are (most of us) aren't ablw to offer the real physical and mental/emotional support you need. Might I recommend calling your priest to see if there is grief counseling or a group through the church or county.
The only reason I would suggest this, is sometimes it is easier to communicate with someone who knows or has known the pain. There is nothing wrong with how you feel or your desire to vent, I just wish there was a way to say "it's OK I know how you feel", but I can't. When you heal physically from this ordeal, you will still have a great amount of healing to do and it won't be obvious to most people, which is why I think a good support group might help. Try to relax B. don't rush the process | |
| | | Miss Ginger
October 25, 2005 03:05 PM PDT
Through it all, I hope you're ok, Brandy. I think about you everyday, and send off some positive vibes.
Hugs, my dear! | |
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