I am fuming.
I have been bombarded as of late with seemingly innocent remarks from other women - including my usually "sensible and sensitive" midwife - that call into question my reproductive state.
"Why are you getting an IUD? Don't you want more children?" - this question asked by health professionals who know full-well that the Mirena device I use is very easily removeable, should I choose to, and has no effect on future pregnancy.
"Doesn't your daughter need a sibling?"
"Why are you going to wait so long? Don't you want to try again right away?"
And if I hesitate to answer I get: "Oh, well you can always adopt."
FUCK, FUCK,
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am MORE than a goddamn uterus and ovaries. I am a woman, an individual with my own physical health to consider, and my emotional well-being that needs alot of mending. I do not need more kids to validate my worth or my identity. Furthermore, its none of your FUCKING BUSINESS whether or not I plan to get it on and crank out another kid.
Then there is the fact that we are drowning in medical bills (we have insurance but we have to pay 10% of the contracted amount up to $1500 per person per year. And whoopee for me, I am just NOW hitting the $1500 limit with the final fees coming in from the delivery and MRI.)
Yeah, ladies, I'll crank one out after I um, let's see:
- wait 3 months for my rubella vaccine to wear off (had to get a booster after I delivered Jack.)
- pay off about $900 in medical bills
- begin to make a dent in a $15,000 home equity line from our plumbing project (babies kinda need HOMES to live in...they don't take to living in cars too well)
- lose the 30 lbs I gained in this pregnancy so that my bad knee and back aren't aching anymore
- get my IBS under control so I'm not in pain everyday
- and, oh yeah, finish healing from the grieving process so I don't freak out like a lunatic when you ask me your nosy-ass questions! (like today when a woman I just met and who is a NURSE made such a dipshit inquiry.)
I lost a BABY, not a houseplant or a goldfish. I find the concept of "replacing" him right away offensive and crass. And I lost a baby due to congenital birth defects - ones which correlate directly to my age. In a situation like mine, I'd think it to be instinctive to proceed with extreme caution. Criminy.
I have never been able to identify with women who identify themselves as "mother" first and foremost. Its one aspect of my life but it isn't "my life" in its entirety. I was never one of those girls who fantasized about having children and what I would name them.
I see how I feel each day, each week. Weigh the pros and cons of the situation and make my decision. I am not a romantic person. Both of my pregnancies were planned based upon "pros" outweighing the "cons" at the time I had the biological urge. I have no urge right now. I do not know how I will feel in 3, 6, or 12 months from now. I don't have a crystal ball. So I am being a totally responsible and practical person and I'm using the #1 most effective birth control method on the market, and one which eases many of my health problems as well.
So if another person has the audacity to ask, "Are you trying again?" I doubt I'll be able to offer a sane and polite reply. They are going to regret ever asking.
