I am beyond devastated with disappointment from this CRHP weekend.  Instead of feeling at peace and relaxed, I am agitated and annoyed. Even borderline depressed. It was absolutely the wrong thing for me. I think I need a "real" retreat (like, at a SPA!) to recover from this one!

As I told Pam, the hospital perinatal loss counselor, last week, I just had zero interest in attending her support groups because being surrounded by weeping women - when I, myself was feeling good, upbeat, healthful, resolved - just felt WRONG and out of place. She totally agreed with me, and thus the idea of me writing the "upbeat" exercise/"take time for you" pieces for the newsletter came about because I DO want to offer something to these people who are hurting, but I don't want to get dragged out of my "good place" back into their dark cloud of grief. I have worked so HARD to GET to my sense of resolution and closure that I don't want to be put in a position of taking steps backward into sadness and anxiety. This is pretty much what happened on this "retreat." I was bombarded with sob stories that just made me feel shitty. And almost guilty that I have had a relatively privledged life.

This event is purported to "deepen your faith." I think I expected more direction into exposition and discussion of very specific topics about the Holy Spirit and Jesus. Basically all that I got were alot of sad stories from women who told about how God held their hand while their life was sucking-at-the-moment. It was borderline pity-party. There was nothing uplifting to me about it. Little humor. No spirited discussion. And not nearly enough clear articulation of how God/Jesus/Holy Spirit were there. They were just too vague and pedestrian. It seems as if the women got so caught up in the presentation of the drama and tragedies of their own stories that they didn't take time to step back and delve further into the evolution of their spiritual selves and really expound upon those themes. Some professional editing of their speeches may have been useful.

I also had some continuing knee-jerk reaction to what I considered "un-Catholic" behavior, gestures, and ritual. As much as I despise the rigidity of the Vatican's many rules, I DO adore the very solemn rituals of a formal worship. Being in a conference room, we had nowhere to kneel during consecration. When it comes down to it, I am pretty "Old Skool" on these issues.

Again, the positive notes of the weekend included meeting a handful of seriously COOL women. I really connected to an amazing woman in her 70's who had recently lost her husband. She was so intelligent, funny, and sensitive. I also met another lady, a teacher, who was equally savvy, kind, and "with it" and who gave a thoughtful presentaiton. Also, attending confession for the first time in over 23 years was surprisingly enjoyable.

All of the participants received an invitation for "formation" - that is, to create the next retreat for a new group of women. Despite my negative experience, I am mulling over the possibility of participating. Why? Because (not to toot my own horn but...) I know I have the ability to write thoughtful, engaging, articulate, and highly-motivating works. I know I am good at organizing things. I know I have the intellect and sophistication to add more polish to an exisiting format. However, if some of the cornballs in my group who dampened my exprience also join, I think it'd be like mixing oil and water.

For now, I'll just think about it.