Warning: If you hate reading about anything remotely bodily, or more specifically, scatalogical, then stop reading now. If, however, you are fascinated by the quixotic goings-on of my lower GI tract then you're sure to have no problem digesting (*ahem*) the following anecdote.

Have I mentioned here that I have "IBS-C" also know as chronic idiopathic constipation? I think I have talked about my obsession with the infrequency of healthy bowel movements in my life but if not, well...now you know. I had been a joyously happy patient on Zelnorm since its introduction on the market (barring the time on 2005 when I was pregnant) and was shocked and saddened...no, actually more like DEVASTATED, that it was abruptly pulled from the US market by its manufacturer on March 30 this year. I learned of its demise when I went to get my umpteenth refill of the only drug I have ever taken that eased the pain, bloating and other effects of chronic constipation without the socially-worrisome side-effects of unpredicatability and "sloppiness" - i.e. - sudden cramping and uncontrollable liquid spewing from my bum vis-a-vis laxatives, stool softeners and other preparations. Extra fiber makes things WORSE. My issue is low-to-no motility, so all fiber does is make the poop BIGGER and softer,but it still goes nowhere except into my colon where it ferments and causes extraordinary pain on my left side.

[Sidebar: Prior to taking Zelnorm, I have actually seen this phenomenon of a plenty-of-poo-traffic jam "televised" live on ultrasound. The ultrasound technician was aghast. She said, "I do this every day. Honestly, I have never seen someone with so much poop inside them!"]

I will not engage in the frustrating discussion of why the medication was pulled from the market; all I care about is the fact that I am not remotely at risk for the issues that Novartis is concerned about, and I was so darn HAPPY with those lil' white pills that did nothing but make me feel normal and comfortable. I have since tried other Rx's such as Amitiza, but the side effects were so bad I had to quit after 4 days because I couldn't do anything but lie in bed after taking them.

Anyone who knows me can verify that I am anal retentive (pun wholly intended) about issues of safety and lawfulness. But after being admitted to the ER last week because of sudden and raging abdominal pain - only to be told its "just your IBS acting up" - well, I had to find a solution. Meaning, I had to find an illicit source of my cherished medication (for which I still have a valid prescription with 5 refills).

Through an IBS discussion board (yeah, you can bet we are a FUN crowd!) I found a source in MEXICO. I ordered and sure enough the stuff arrived, exactly the same as what I used to take (same manufacturer, non-expired, except the patient info was in Spanish). It has been working BEAUTIFULLY. But (or shoudl I say, "butt?") it was more than double what I used to pay for my Rx. Hubby balked at the high price of regularity. And I quaked a bit when I had go to my local post office to sign for the weirdly packaged item tied in STRING, from Mexico. I swore DEA agents were going to swarm down on me and throw me in the slammer for my desperate attempt to have a healthy poop!

Luckily I escaped the post office without incident. I still have a handful of pills left and in desperation, this time with a cost factor added to the mix, I ordered from some South Pacific island outfit that ships non-controlled substances to the US and UK at low low discount prices. The hang-up is that they sell GENERICS manufactured in INDIA. For the price, I thought I'd try anyway. What have I got to lose, but a few pounds of poop, right?

I had an appointment with my GI doc the other day and admitted to him my scheming to obtain my beloved Zelnorm from around the globe. He told me, "I won't bust you. And anyway, you have a legitimate prescription from me. My only concern is that you'd be getting sugar pills and thus would be getting ripped-off. But if they work, then do what you think you need to do."

He also reassured me that he heard that my darling drug should be back on the US market within a year but with many restrictions. Until then he gave me some new Rx's to try - but one - an antibiotic that works solely in the gut - lists "sudden excessive  flatulence" as a side effect! Yeah, I'm going to PAY for a pill that makes me FART more than I already do! I'll take my chances with the black market stuff. Or maybe I should call it the "brown market???"