I just got back from evening one of our three-night "parish mission." I have no idea when these pasty-white-suburban versions of old timey-Southern Revivals came into play in American Catholic parishes, but they certainly weren't popular back in my childhood. After my experience, I can tell you they aren't popular in my ADULTHOOD either!

I almost didn't attend because we got a "sneak preview" last night at Mass as the hired duo - a Dominican priest and  nun - made presentations in place of the homily. She seemed thoughtful and somewhat interesting. And, in typical (and ever-disappointing) fashion, the woman with something to say played second fiddle to the guy with the bigger mouth and the Holy Orders.

He was annoying off the bat: loud, sing-songy and over-simplified. He was a fairly typical example of a "GEC." GEC is an acronym I created while witnessing the pious and utterly gooberific machinations of a young woman in the pew behind me at a bible study seminar a few years ago.

In my faith, it is traditional to show respect for the blessed Eucharist in the tabernacle by genuflecting (sort of like a curtsey or bow) before entering the pew. This gal decided to go all out and kneel on the floor and then proceed to do some kind of bizarre genuflection yoga - holding her arms out straight in front of her and undulating her back as if she were doing a cross between The Worm and an Islamic call to prayer. It was ludicrous!

As the course continued, she kept talking OUT LOUD, much to everyone's annoyance, to prove that she knew the various prophets, Saints, and others that the presentor cited as he offered an assortment of quotations. After her ignorance of my perturbed glances, I began journaling about her furiously in the notes I was taking. Why not? She kept distracting me from the speaker that I PAID to hear, so I might as well record the show she foisted upon me and my fellow attendees.

At the top of my page, I began scribbling and it came to me: Googly-Eyed Christian!  So, what is a GEC?

A GEC is:

• unsophisticated, but they THINK they are quite wordly and experienced
• often overly-pious: sit int he front pews, loudest singers, excessive litugical gesturing, closed-eyes and swaying to favorite hymns
  
• inconsiderate and/or ignorant  of the nuances and differences in individual personalities, preferences, and life experiences of others
• instead of using their God-given brains and "talents" toward the articulation of specific goals, and concrete methods to achieve those goals (whether spiritual or other), they rely on cliches like "Let Go; Let God" or "God will take care of it."
• If in doubt, if you consider yourself somewhat "religious" "spiritual" or just respectful of other faiths, something about this person will just make you gag, and probably lose respect for their faith system.
  

There are plenty more examples of GEC-isms that I'm sure I'll just have to share in the future. I genuinely dislike dissing other people - ESPECIALLY "church people." But in the case of the GEC, I get so distracted by their spiritual and intellectual LAZINESS and goober-isms that it hampers the efforts I'm making when trying to help grow myself and others my parish community.

So...enough ranting...back to tonight.

As it turns out the "guy" is a published musician/hymn author so he insisted on squeezing no less than eight hymns into a 90 minute presentation. At least two of the stories offered in his "preaching" were OLD jokes/tales that have been circulating around sermons for many years. Worst of all, when he sung, he'd affect this faux-baritone that reminded me of David Sedaris-as-Billie Holliday! I kept biting my lip in the pew!

But then Sister spoke. Both times she offered some original (and SPECIFIC) nuggets of wisdom on SPECIFIC topics.  I felt cheated that she only spoke twice for what seemed like 5 minutes at a time.

I saw two friends of mine across the aisle who wisely sat near a side exit. They ducked out 10 minutes early. I was in clear eyeshot of our Pastor and Associate Pastor so I stayed glued in my pew until I thought a reasonable exit could be made.

I was feeling a bit sad that this experience was not more positive. With the opening strains of the closing hymn, I made a beeline for the door. Another woman that I had never seen before was exiting at the same time. We somehow caught each other's eye. Something stirred in me to say something to her. But she beat me to it:

"ENOUGH of the singing already," she exclaimed as we entered the parking lot.

I concurred, "I liked Sister, but I could have done without Guy Lombardo!"

She laughed so hard I thought she'd fall on the ice! We wished each other well and went home our separate ways. And then it hit me that maybe my "mission" was to cheer up and bond with a stranger tonight, albeit, over our shared dissatisfaction. As the GEC's say, "The Lord works in mysterious ways."