Today I awoke feeling groggier and more sore than ever...I didn't take any darvocet last night for the breast pain and fever as I wanted to be "with it" when I took little one to school and then took myself to the GI doc. Well, I guess abstinence from narcotics didn't quite do the trick. I suspected that my ever-worsening constipation (sorry folks, but its my blog and I am gonna be up-front about my issues) was to blame for the dizziness.

It has gotten to the point that I was shitting MAYBE 2-3 times a MONTH!! And that was with "assistance" via some sort of saline laxative. Bad news!

I also suffered lower left-side abdominal pain. These symptoms have been around for 18 monts or so; last year I got a ct scan and colonoscopy but they revealed nothing abnormal. A few weeks ago, I got an ultrasound to rule out gyne issues (cysts, adhesions) that would cause the pain; nothing there, either.

So then I read about Zelnorm, a new drug for women with constipation and abdominal pain as their primary symptoms (i.e. - IBS with constipation). I thought it sounded like my problem so I saw a Gastroenterology Nurse practicioner (who works directly with my GI doc in the same office.) He suggested Zelnorm even before I brought it up. I got two sample packs and a prescription. I crossed my fingers that it wouldn't just stagnate in my gi tract like so many other medications have in the past.

Wowsa! Took one before lunch and I have been on the toilet all afternoon! I guess it works! I had alot in there to clean out so I am hoping that things will"normalize" to a nice, "regular" shit or two each day instead of this explosive nonesense...I am truly hopeful that this will finally end this very painful yet embarassing problem for me.

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinnin'
Like a whirlpool it never ends...

Remember that corny pop song from the 60's? Well anyway...

I woke up this morning very LATE and really out of it...I am sitting her in bed with the laptop cuz I just can't walk or sit up, I feel so dizzy. I took two darvocet before bed last night as  my chest really hurt again. The swelling has gone down alot, but as I walk and move about the "gravity" factor makes it hurt. I just keep a tight sports bra on it and an ice pack, but last night I took the meds so I could sleep comfortably. I can't tell if I am still funky from the drugs (which are a very mild narcotic analgesic) or of they made me sleep funky so thaat I am just really exhausted. *yawn*

I own a videotape copy of a charming, campy 1950's sci-fi/exploitation movie titled "Nude on the Moon."

I used to show it at parties, friends chuckling in reaction to the incredibly niave and hokey dialog...and more so, the utterly un-sexy nudists that acted as extras, holding hands, dancing in a circle, and, I think, wearing some sort of green glittery body paint to make them resemble "alien" moon people.

I have been enjoying a somewhat "academic" book written in 1991 called, Therapy, Nudity and Joy. It was recommended to me by my photographer friend, Paul, who once used it in a college psychology class. It has made me become nearly obsessed with the idea of relaxing at a nude beach or health spa...sitting in the sun, warm breezes caressing me... especially now with my scars, stretch marks, and other "imperfections" that are getting tough to cover with atwo-piece bathing suit, I feel like having no clothed "outlining" and restricitng me is actually much more "flattering" of a look, as odd as that may seem.

Well, I am finally back from the hospital - yes, Friday afternoon. Everything seemed to go ok
Wednesday but then apparently I developed a hematoma in the double biopsied breast (right one). At first I joked that it looked like someone gave me a Pamela Anderson breast implant - it was THAT outrageously swollen and huge; but then I started not feeling  good thursday afternoon. The hospital called to check on me and after I relayed my swelling and general malaise, they suggested I call the doctor. I phoned the surgeon who said plainly, "Meet me in the ER as soon as you can." 
 
Long story short, I had to have another surgery(general anesthetic) Thursday night to remove the bloot clot (hematoma). I arrived at about 1:30 pm and I was stressed and nervous about the hematoma, plus I had been feeling nauseated all afternoon. By the time Dr. Pae arrived and confirmed the need to slice and dice me again, I started to cry. I think he assumed I was crying  due to pain, thus he ordered a strong dose of narcotics for me, trying to help. Dilaudid - "drugstore heroin".

I had a restful "moment" for what seemed like about 30 minutes, until I got searing pains in my stomach, and had to hold tightly to the bars of the bed to ease the pain which was radiating to my back.  I began sweating profusely and removed the blankets, footie socks, and other coverings as I began to breathe in a pattern reminiscnet of a dog panting. I tried to call out to a nurse but I was so out of control I could just muster a faint moan. No one heard me behind the closed door of the private ER room.

Finally, by 5:50pm, the orderlies came in to wheel me up to the main OR for surgery prep. Needless to say I was "coming down" and got awful motion sickness rolling about on the cart, and when in place again, my throat tightened and I began to cry again.

I had this overwhelming sense of foreboding. I cried out to the nurse to call the hospital chaplain to consult with me. She arrived and asked what was the problem. I began to babble on and on about my fear of this second surgery and my "bad trip" that I was still suffering from. She held my hand, said a prayer with me, and led me in some relaxing breathing techniques, which helped immensely, even though we only got a few moments to do that as they were ready to take me into the OR. I was grateful to have someone to help me get re-grounded, and so I was able to regain my sense of humor and even joke with the surgeon a bit as they began to knock me out. He apologized and  stated that he thought I was in really bad pain and couldn't think of anything else that would help. I noted thata a post-surgery shot of demerol worked well for me after gall-bladder removal so he agreed to have that available for me if I wanted it.

The sugery went well and I really was more exhausted than in pain after; I slept for 2 hours after a demerol shot. In the morning I watched my breast swell again, but the doctor checked on me twice and confirmed that the bleeding had stopped and that a sports bra and ice pack would help reduce the swelling over the next few days. He even fashioned a surgical tape and gauze "bra" for my franken-boob to help support it!

It was wierd having a doctor care for me who is actually YOUNGER than me. I just wanted to give him a little kiss on the forehead!

Not much to say today as I'd rather just pop some painkillers and rest...I am recovering from two breast biopsies - one of which they actually took the whole "mass" out instead of just a little piece, so tht side is incredibly swollen and sore.

No working out until at least tomorrow. We shall see; I may stick to something "lite" like pilates reformer lower body or just walking on the treadmil at a low pace so I don't need to swing my arms.

I'll get the biopsy results next week...I doubt its anything to worry about but I have to get the official "thumbs up" first.

Next week, I also go to see the GI doc to see if I might switch meds as the current one is utterly worthless at this point.

*sigh*

ok, back to bed....

So...as an escape I dropped the kiddo off at preschool and headed to my local cheapo haircut place. I have actually had good results there and it only costs me $10 compared to the $45 I used to spend to basically NOT get what I wanted. This joint is convenient and they do exactly as I ask.

I took along some pics that I ripped out of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog (oh how I love/hate that rag sheet!!! ) I came across an atypical sight - a model with a hairdo that was more that just windblown lengthy locks...She had mod blunt cut longer bangs, and then shoulder-length hair blunt cut in back (see below.)  It is uncannily similar to the beloved wig I wore during the last photo shoot...

I was feeling sooooooooo down today (see entry below). Even a 63 min run on the treadmill didn't help, but at least I got to sweat a little.

In fact, after I worked out and showered, I was even more upset than before so I called my surgeon to confess that I was really apprehensive and could he talk me through EXACTLY what the extent of damage might be.

It was certainly good that I called. He was with a patient, but phoned me back a few minutes later.

"I am glad you called because I just got the results of your mammogram. The report notes a 'suspicious lesion' in your right medial breast and makes no mention of the mass at 8 o'clock that I was able to palpate," he reported.

"So what does that mean? Do you need to make two incisions? That was why I called. Because I am having alot of fear and confusion about how extensive the surgery will be, in terms of scarring and amount of breast tissue you plan to remove," I replied.

We talked for a while and he told me that since I was concerned about the "cosmesis" (vanity issues) that he'd see if he could do stereotactical biopsies on the masses - that is, a computer-image guided wide-needle biopsy instead of surgical incision and the "digging around" that that entails.

He called me back and noted that the radiologist was unable to see the "8 o'clock" mass (even though he, my gyne, sonographer, and myself can all feel it clearly) in the mammogram. But the medial lesion he could NOT feel at all but it WAS visible clearly in mammogram. After discussing with the radiolgist and another surgeon (and me) we concluded that he will be first sending me to get the stereotactical biopsy on the medial lesion and then (possibly later the same day) have me sedated to have the 8 o'clock mass removed surgically, since it was not visible on mammogram and thus would need manual removal. That, he said, was a good combo, since it would mean he would need to dig around that medial region and remove alot of breast tissue to find the lesion he didn't know about.

I was guessing that this would delay proceedings for a bit...but yet again, apparently they are "fast tracking" me and he stated that I should plan on both procedures happening this week. He is going to call me tomorrow with the times and dates.

In some ways I feel slightly better - it was like I knew something was wrong and I couldn't put my finger on it. So, now there really is a fly in the ointment but he and I (and the hospital, hopefully!) are going to try to resolve it as quickly and neatly as possible.

The funny thing is, that I think this surgeon - who is almost 2 years YOUNGER than me! - is a bit shy or something dealing with me, because I am so straightforward talking about my boobs...he is a quiet fellow, but seems really sweet and incredibly patient and conscientious, so for that I am greatful. He's the third surgeon I have met/dealt with that has been so incredibly empathetic and kind. Surgeons, in general, have a reputaion for being egomaniacs, and I have certainly met some that fit that bill. Thankfully I have met others who have been utterly angelic.

Since my adventure in wig-wearing, dramatic makeup application, and posing I have been dwelling on the issue of my own gender identity.

Sweat....mmmmm...I just had a fantastic workout courtesy of the selection of what my friend, Nickie would term "Crap Rock"...classic rock anthems form the 70's and 80's. Those on the MP3 plus a few "hip" alterna-rock hits, late 80's college radio pop tunes, and some 60's mod riffs (Small Faces, The Kinks) and I had the perfect melange of uptempo grooves to keep me running at a better pace than I think I have ever had before. I also deliberately ran WITHOUT my hr monitor...I think when it starts hitting max and beeping it is way too distracting. Thus, I run longer, more comfortably, at a great pace,  and really get in my "zone."  I did try to wind down a bit before ending and manged some stetching and cool-down. Yet I am still riding that elation of "flying". I did mention previously that I liken my workouts to my sexuality...anyone familiar with bdsm might have heard of "sub space". I think more people have heard of a "runner's high". Its pretty much the same thing, I think, in terms of physical changes in the nervous, respiratory and circulatory systems. Huge endorphin dump into the blodstream. In bdsm, a submissive may have some sensory deprivation - blindfold, hood, etc. When I am in the running (or biking, swimming, yoga...) "zone" I get tunnel vision, too. Everything else gets shut out; I start to lose sense of space and time. Kinda dramatic, perhaps, but it can happen and hey, if it helps me get/stay HEALTHY and FIT, then hurrah!