Please share a prayer for all of them to make it through this awful situation.

I, myself, seem to be all prayed-out. I need to be a little selfish and save my energy for myself. Anyone who knows me, even if just via this blog, would find that to be "against type" but that's how I feel today. From what I understand about the process, I am "entitled" to my grieving and I'm not going to relinquish my progression in this journey due to  external forces right now. Its better for everyone in the long run if I heal - physically and emotionally.

But at least in my part of town we have the cheery news of the White Sox victory. I think what made it all the more sweet was seeing G. Bush Sr's look of disappointment during that last out of the game last night. Booya, bushie! Chi-town kicks ass!!!!

I am now much less concerned about clothes...I want to get well. I'm sure if I get the medicine ball rolling today I'll be better in a few days.

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Thankfully admidst all that physical and emotional pain, I had fantastically empathetic, caring, top-rate nurses, midwives (yes TWO!) and a Gyne taking care of me.  The midwife who saw me today is the woman who delivered my daughter and supported me - as a healthcare professional first, a woman and friend second - in my decision to continue my pregnancy despite predicted "bad" outcome.

I was also highly "drugged out" by choice with narcotics (demerol, nubain) throughout the induction and labor process...and once the contractions started in HARD I screamed for (and got) an epidural (which hurt like HELL!!!!!) Since Jack was so small (1 lb, 5 ounces) delivering him was quite honestly the easiest part of the entire 4 day process for me. The nurses gently cleaned up his little lifeless body and wrapped him in some lovely and tiny handmade blankets and a handmade little hat and then allowed me to hold him while a woman from my Church blessed him and me with holy water. I told him what a good baby he was, that he didn't hurt me at all when he left my body. Poor little guy. Without disrespecting him or his physical body, when I saw him, it was obvious that his physical challenges were much greater than prior testing indicated. The one funny thing was that compared to the rest of his body, he had big feet - just like his dad and sister. They were perfefect little feet, though. One of the nurses, the berevement counselor I have mentioned before, made a beautiful plaster casting of his feet into a sort of statuette/memorial for me to keep. Its wrapped up in a blue satin ribbon and rests next to my bed on my dresser. I want to remember that part of him that was so lovely in its perfection and yet so indicative of his human-ness.

I did manage to snag one longer blouse at Walmart which looks "neat" over a pair of stretch twill elastic-waist black bootcut pants (also from WallyWorld.) That's my "emergency" going out of the house outfit. It hides my body's bulges but not in a sloppy way. I know that these days many people see women with a bit of jiggle around the waistline...typical Americans that we are! But pre-preggo I didn't have that and then I had been pretty "obvious" looking during my maternal state (or at least, I  thought so.) Plus-size clothes don't work (I tried) because up top I don't need the extra fabric. Luckily we are heading into cold weather here so I can hide beneath a big polar fleece anorak if I need to...

I was never preoccupied with "fashion" per se; I hate things with logos and such on them. But I have always prided myself on being "neatly groomed" - shower, dried hair, bit of lipstick and a nice fitting tshirt, jeans, and cute sneakers would be a typical outfit. So...a sense of personal style has always been there...just not the b.s. of "deisgner" labels.

I guess I find my sloppy stretch-knit choices in my dresser to be the antithesis of a "pick me up" right now. I'm looking for some dignity and sense of self-assurance via my closet but sweats ain't cuttin' it for me.

I tried shopping online for some cute but longer length/oversized shirts but found nothing I liked...I'm not even sure what size I am anyway. Pre-pregnancy I was a 10 or 12petite or M or L depending on the brand. Yesterday to Jack E.'s funeral I was lucky enough to squeeze into a 16 petite black silk suit I had in the attic from a few years ago.

I think I may have to look to a few online resources for petites clothing that come in larger sizes (Petite XL, etc.) The hassle with "petites" is the clothing makers largely design for, well...those shrunken-down little old ladies. But heading into the holiday season they ALWAYS bring  out the velour jog suits. Not entirely my style but at least velour is "dressier" than my drawstring Hanes.

I'd love to go out to a thrift store, Old Navy, Target, etc to try on some "transitonal" stuff but I need to really stay at home - I am not healing as well as I should be (still have heavy bleeding.)

So...anyway I'm just ranting on about one little and not really all that important of an issue...guess its time for another Xanax!!!!!!

Otherwise I am healing physically. Its going to take time but I guess that's how these things go.

The last great "loss" I had was the sudden death of a beloved but young cat named Betty. I actually had her buried at a pet cemetery and that somehow helped me through the process. I plan to get a lovely grave marker for Elliott (which is what I call him...everyone else calls him "Jack") down the road...

My larger-scale plans are to ready a spot in my backyard with some bulbs and mulch as the beginnings of a memorial garden. We have alot of unused space in our yard so I plan to sketch out some plans for a nice garden, complete with a water feature and little angel/cherub statue. That will take time, planning, and cooperative weather but I think that when I am physicaly cabable of the yardwork, it will be an excellent way for me to express my creativity, love of nature, and of course as means of honoring my lil' guy.

She said, "Oh that's sad mommy. Are you going to the hospital to let him get born even though he died?" Yes, I explained, mommy will be in the hospital a few days and then we can bury the baby at a cemetary. She replied, "Oh, that will be good. We can have him in a little graveyard." Oddly enough, her comfort level discussing issues of death were heigtened this spring when she attended the funeral of a distant relative. She had been discussing wht to do "if the baby dies" after I got the first fetal echocardiogram. I think we ahve been very attuned to the fact that the viablilty of this pregnancy was very low, and thus, there is a mixed bag of emotions going on here: mild sadness, relief, hopefullness for the future, and that "sense of closure" that people always talk about.

I still have to go through the labor process beginning tomorrow so until then I'm sure alot of other feelings will come into play. One that I feel right now , is pride. I am proud that I fought for my CHOICE to continue the pregnancy. When I was in college I marched in pro-choice rallies, not really understanding the process of pregnancy and motherhood on an intimate leve, but rather knowing that I never wanted someone else telling me what I would intuitively know was best for me and my body. I still feel that way, but now with the intimate knowledge of pregnancy and motherhood. I never thought I'd have to battle to CHOOSE to be pregnant but in an ironic twist in my life, that is indeed what happened. I also feel APPRECIATION - for all of my family, friends, and cyber-buddies who have offered prayers, thoughts of healing and wellness, and high-five's to me along the way.

I did use the baby's chosen name as the heading for this blog entry. I never felt comfortable using it, even when he was alive and moving, because, I guess I feared any intimacy with him. It was an intuitive protection mechanism, I suppose.

So now I have alot of things to do to get ready for hospital stay, funeral, etc etc etc. My mother is flying in tonight to help with some of the issues, such as childcare, etc. Hubby is taking a few days off from work too, although I'm not sure if I want him with me at the hospital or not. We'll work all those details out tonight, I guess.

Thanks again to everyone for their prayers and support: now I need one last round of prayers that I have a safe delivery process tomorrow and wednesday.

I still have not gotten the issue of who the heck is delivering my baby staightened out yet but late last week I sent (imho) an articulate, yet heartfelt email to my current ob/gyne practice (not the "high risk" perinatologists but my "normal" doc/midwife practice) explaing my displeasure in the perinatology group, my desire to give birth at a higher-level nicu hospital, and my interest in getting a referral for an mri or ct scan with a pediatic neurologist to get more info about the baby's apparent ventricular dialtion in his brain. Oh, I haven't mentioned it but I later found out, after asking my regular doc's office for the info, that his dialtion is only at 12mm. Normal is 10mm or less. The perinatologist who told me that my son is going to be 'more retarded" and has "hydrocephaly that will need shunting" was not wholly correct in his pronouncement. Furhter research on the part of me, tenacious mama bear that I am, noted that ventricular dilation, as measured on ultrasound, is considered "mild ventriculomegaly" if its measuring between 10 and 15 mm. Sometimes this is referred to as "mild hydrocephaly" which is somewhat of a misnomer. Unless an mri or other diagnostic actully finds elevated CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) pressure readings, thenthe dialtion is more or less an anomaly. Its also imporant to note that measurements of 12mm or less usually cause ZERO problem (no brain/neurological damage). AND that incrsed dialtion is more common in MALE babies (check!) and trisomy 21 babies (double-check!). So, as long as things stay the same or get better (which it certainly cna do) and as long as there is no evidence of pressure, this whole brain part of the overall health equasion is just something to be aware of and nothing more.

So...guess what? Do you know I asked repeatedly during that 21wk level II Ultrasound for the ventricular mesurements but the doc would not tell me?!?! I also asked to see my full amnio report and was DENIED. These dopey eugenicists don't know WHO they are up against! hahahah.

So when I asked my doc for the measurements and they told me "ventricular measurement of 12mm and no additional brain anomaly or head enlargement" I was both HAPPY (for baby's sake) and IRATE that yet again I was given this horrible, and clearly misinformed gloom-and-doom prognosis from an obviously risk-adverse chicken-sh*t doctor. Cripes.

Two of the three bids came in for the addition work - and they were way over our budget, as I feared. I'm waiting for the third bid to come in (which if you recall from my previous post on this topic, would be from contractor #1.) We fully expect his bid to be the lowest but will it be low enough? Stay tuned to find out...

Awhile back I blogged about the demise of quasi-institution of Chicago radio, WJMK-104.3, turning from their (somewhat stale but still reliably fun) oldies format to the now ubiquitous "JACK". For whatver reason, I ws flipping around the FM dial in the car (I usually now stick to AM - oldies and talk/news) and heard Petula Clark's anthem to all things upbeat, "Downtown." And then came the station call letters and new slogan "America's True Oldies" or something similarly wide-reaching and slightly exaggerated in its claim. But nonetheless...

It can now be found on 94.7FM, former home of "The Zone": a post-grunge-rock salute to all things Ozzfest. Not a station that resonated with ME although I would check in to hear the occassional oldies by KISS, G'nR or similar.

I heard some of my faves from the 50s and 60's including r&b, surf, doo wop, and some quirky, lesser-know pop singles, which was an encouraging sign that the music director will not have as static a playlist as our former Oldies Station, WJMK.