ok, the rollercoaster was going up, up, up the hill...and somehow today it came crashing down the other side.

It was a really crapola-laden day for me. I even popped a "Vitamin X" and that didn't help. Took a hot bath...well at least that helped my sore back.

My husband is heading off to Denmark on Monday for a week for work. So I am alone with the kid for a week, which should be ok... I'll see how I manage.

My sister had her baby tonight - yes he was due the same week as Jack - late January. So he is only 28.5 weeks gestational age, which these days is supposedly ok given the NICU technology. She had a c-section. She was on bedrest almost the whole time and then her water broke last week or something like that (I don't recall all the details).

Its a long story but I'm pretty disinterested in the whole situation since her husband (the doctor) had the gall to call me a few months ago to give me unsolicited advice about MY pregnancy after he heard about some test results I had through the family grapevine. He was arguing some bullshit about (go on, take a guess)...
Yeah, he said something to the effect of "C'mon, after a certain point its not really worth it" or similar detached, unemtional "technology is the new religion" bullcrap. I have not spoken to him since. And of course, their baby is an IVF kid - implanted via the second round of IVF after they flushed all of the first set of embryos due to the results of genetic testing they did on them. I despise and distrust that entire concept of "perfect" embryos and all that... but my feeling was, its their business, and I won't say anything unless they ask. So I kept my thoughts to myself, even though all those very controvertial issues still creep me out. Well I DID NOT ask his opinion, medical or otherwise, about MY pregnancy, and yet I got a f*ckin' earful. Today I was feeling the "it isn't fair" sentiment. I just can't feel remotely interested in their situation right now as I still have to resolve my own, plus I am still angry about the attitude they demonstrated (or perhaps, just the blatant lack of support) during my tumultous pregnancy.

However, I am worried about my parents as this second round of "precariously sick grandbaby" is really putting them through the wringer.

Hmmm, what else is going on...

Today is All Soul's Day...also know as Dia De Los Muertos in Mexico. Yesterday was All Saint's Day - which honors people who have been "technically" recognized as "Saints"; whereas All Souls Day is to remember those we have personally known in our lifetimes who have gone before us.

So as a "one shot deal" my parish had an evening vigil Mass last night for both holidays. They had a portion of the Mass devoted to a ceremony where anyone in the congregation could get in line and say the name of a departed loved one at the microphone and then light a candle in their memory/honor. I felt wierd about getting in the line but at the last minute I jumped out of my pew and when my turn came I calmly spoke into the mic: "My son, Jack and my grandad, Mitch."  The woman who is the berevement minister of care was holding the mic and since she recognized me (she blessed Jack in the hospital and attended his funeral) she stopped the ceremony for a moment to hug me.

The Priest, Father Steve, appeared shocked or surprised or something as he sat on the altar and gazed in my direction...meaning I caught him out of the corner of my eye when I was in line and spied something of an odd look across his face. He told me about this particular Mass and ceremony after Jack's funeral but kept stating, "it might be too soon for you." Well, for whatever reason it wasn't too soon for me and I wasn't weepy like many of the others in line. So I wonder if my "peacefulness" is shocking to others or if they are just anticipating a breakdown any moment. Well, either way, I don't really mind. Grief is such an individually expressed entity, from what I have learned. So I'm certain that persons who deal with it on a regular basis tend to prepare themselves for "the worst" whatever that expression may be.

Well, I went against Doctor's (midwife's) orders and worked out tonight. I feel Sooooooooooooooo good about it, too. I did 10 min. of cardio (walking) for a warm up and then a 45 min "Yogilates" workout DVD - its pilates core-strength stuff in the first portion and the rest is traditional hatha yoga (bridging, sun salutations, warrior poses, etc.)

I felt so good and relaxed after and even re-started a workout journal that's lain fallow since March of  2003. I realized that even though I feel like a fat blob, I weigh about 1 lb less then back then! So if I stay on track and shape up slowly (say 1-2 lbs per week) then I should be possibly in triathlon condition for the Summer. Not that THAT is my goal...my goal is to heal myself physically (hoping the pilates and yoga will strengthen my back) and emotionally (raise endorphin levels via exercise...).

Doc called and the MRI revealed a bulging disc, but thankfully no hematoma or infection. So I have to just keep my feet elevated when I sit down, etc. I think it will help alot once I can get back on my Pilates Reformer machine - its what I used long ago for phys. therapy for my knee. Its also supposed to be good for the back but I know I won't attempt any "short spine" exercises anytime soon (its where you roll backward almost like The Plow in Yoga...).

...Is Good News?

They didn't have a radiologist available yesterday afternoon to read my MRI...although I also wasn't feeling too cruddy either...and so far I'm ok today. It could have been the uterine or bladder infection I had last week was putting pressure on nerves in my back and since I just took the last antibiotic today, those maladies are, thankfully, just about gone from my system.

I'll be following up with the internist on Monday to get the MRI results...she told me if it was nothing urgent (i.e. - no sizeable hematoma) then I'd just have to follow-up with a neurologist to watch the situation...

I just wish someone would have had the courtesy to call and let me know either way...come to think of it maybe I'll call the hospital this morning just to find out if the MRI was ever read.

UPDATE:

OK, so according to the hospital MRI/Radiology staff, a neuro-radiologist read my MRI films yesterday and has dictated a report to  be sent to my doctor (internist) tomorrow. The radiology tech stated that if she or the doc had seen anything urgent they would have called me; thus likely I'll just be following up with my doc tomorrow. Luckily I have been following their advice to keep my feet/knees elevated when I lie or sit and that does seem to prevent the numbness and aching.

Also...I went to Mass this morning and I am glad I did because Jack was mentioned twice in the weekly Parish bulletin. I picked up a few copies to use in the scrapbook I will eventually put together...

Also, the celebrant this week, "Father Steve" was the wonderful priest who did Jack's funeral service and then refused a donation envelope from my husband following the ceremony. I have NEVER heard of a priest/preacher refusing an envelope after a funeral, wedding, etc. He noted, "This one is on us - we wanted to be here for you." Geeze and we arent' even well-known parishioners! That made me feel really good about re-joining this parish. The genuine sense of caring and community that I've seen just over the past few months has been incredibly encourageing and uplifting to me during my time of need.

I'm so glad that I started going to this parish again. The older priests have retired and they have two younger priests and some permanent deacons who alternate turns giving the homily (talk after the Gospel.) I used to HATE sitting through the Homilies. Now I really look forward to them as the speakers inject them with humor, intellect, and heart. Their "speeches" are well-organized, well-paced and hve been, so far, of genuine interest and relevance to me.

One thing I do plan to do once i am really "healed" - physically and emotionally - is get involved in one of the volunteer activities at my daughter's school as well as though my parish. I think it will be a great way for me to use my energies and ideas...as well as provide a social component that has been largely missing from my "real time" life.

...It Freakin' POURS!!!!!

I had to go back to the doctor this morning because for the past 4-5 days I've been having numbness followed by a burning aching down my legs after getting up from sitting or lying down. At first I thought it was just some kind of drug interaction (I'm on quite a few...) but it has been accompanied (or, I should say PRECEEDED) by sharp pain in my lower back. Its gotten to the point where I cannot support my weight on my legs due to the numbness.

I had a TERRIBLE time last week during Jack's delivery when I got the epidural...and mentioned it to the doc. I told her that it was the worst pain I have ever felt and that according to my hubby, the anethesiologist had to pull the epidural catheter out once and give me more of the local becuase I was screaming bloody murder upon the initial insertion. Doctor now suspects a spinal hematoma...and ordered an "emergency MRI with urgent reading " because aparently if whatever is causing pressure continues I could permanently lose neurological function in the areas effected. So I'm leaving now for the hospital (gee, what a good customer I am!!!) for the MRI. They want me to hang out there until its read so if there is a hematoma they may admit me for emergeny spinal surgery. Delicious!!!

Can I please catch a break sometime soon??????????????????????????

There is more medical doggie doo happening in my family that I won't get into here...but let's just say its a serious health issue that is like a punch in the stomach to my parents after they are still reeling from helping me out with Jack's loss.

I have to go to the Doc/midwife office today. I guess my obsession about my sore, bloated belly was not all "in my head" - it could be a uterine infection. You see, I had to have a "manual removal" of the placenta after Jack's delivery. Let's just describe it as "violent", albeit necessary. I thought something "wasn't right"...the berevement counselor (who is also a nurse at the hospital) from the hospital called to check in on me today and she suggested that I call my doc right away when I described my physical issues to her.

Also as an aside here - she noted that it is WAY too soon for me to go to a support group...that I should wait until December, perhaps. However I have her as a counselor who will be calling each week to check in with me. I can also go see her or another counselor one-on-one if needed, as well as counselors through my church.
medical post script - and some reminiscing on Jack's delivery

I have some indication of uterine as well as urinary tract infection but nothing suspected as too serious...so its a week of antibiotics plus more hormones to stimulate uterine contractions for the next 24 hours to help rid my body of extraneous tissues, clots, etc (sorry to be so graphic) that were left behind following the induced delivery. I don't think I noted it in my blog but it took somewhere along the lines of 36 straight hours of chemicals  - first cytotec then high-dose pitocin - to get the labor moving along...and then it came fast and furious...and thus left my bod a little out of sync with what nature intended, apparently.

It is going to take me a long time to heal, I know. What preoccupies my thoughts most of the time is my fear of social situations and how I will handle them. For now my mom and, next week, my sister, are taking my daughter to school. I haven't had to talk to anyone who didn't already know about the situation. I have had people do food shopping, etc. for me. I know I'm not ready to leave the house yet - physically (still bleeding and cramping) or emotionally.

I still have that unfortunate tell-tale "pooch" in front from pregnancy so none of my old clothes remotely fit. I have a few sweatpants and big tshirts which will suffice for now, I guess. I did think about the whole clothing issue alot. On my return home from the hospital last Friday, the first order of business (which I shouldn't have done due to the physicality of it) was purge my closet of ALL maternity clothes. I couldn't stand to look at them at all.

I just don't want to look pregnant. I'm not trying to forget I WAS...but I have the reminder of an extended and yet sadly empty uterus bulging out of my belly.

I thought of many of the tunic-type babydoll tops in junior's dept's but I always thought that those looked like maternity tops on me so they are definately not an option!

I was kinda falling apart yesterday so I called my midwife for some Xanax. I hate "resorting" to pills but apparently my family noted I was being a super-bitch so to spare them my wrath and fury which was misdirected, not to mention to allow myself to get some sleep at night and stop running around the house doing organizing projects, I'm chillin' out as best I can with a "mother's little helper" of sorts.

Jack Elliott's funeral is tomorrow at 2pm. He's being buried at a very well-known Catholic cemetary in their "baby section". Isn't it sad that a cemetary has to HAVE a baby section? *sigh*.