Warning: If you hate reading about anything remotely bodily, or more specifically, scatalogical, then stop reading now. If, however, you are fascinated by the quixotic goings-on of my lower GI tract then you're sure to have no problem digesting (*ahem*) the following anecdote.

Have I mentioned here that I have "IBS-C" also know as chronic idiopathic constipation? I think I have talked about my obsession with the infrequency of healthy bowel movements in my life but if not, well...now you know. I had been a joyously happy patient on Zelnorm since its introduction on the market (barring the time on 2005 when I was pregnant) and was shocked and saddened...no, actually more like DEVASTATED, that it was abruptly pulled from the US market by its manufacturer on March 30 this year. I learned of its demise when I went to get my umpteenth refill of the only drug I have ever taken that eased the pain, bloating and other effects of chronic constipation without the socially-worrisome side-effects of unpredicatability and "sloppiness" - i.e. - sudden cramping and uncontrollable liquid spewing from my bum vis-a-vis laxatives, stool softeners and other preparations. Extra fiber makes things WORSE. My issue is low-to-no motility, so all fiber does is make the poop BIGGER and softer,but it still goes nowhere except into my colon where it ferments and causes extraordinary pain on my left side.

[Sidebar: Prior to taking Zelnorm, I have actually seen this phenomenon of a plenty-of-poo-traffic jam "televised" live on ultrasound. The ultrasound technician was aghast. She said, "I do this every day. Honestly, I have never seen someone with so much poop inside them!"]

I will not engage in the frustrating discussion of why the medication was pulled from the market; all I care about is the fact that I am not remotely at risk for the issues that Novartis is concerned about, and I was so darn HAPPY with those lil' white pills that did nothing but make me feel normal and comfortable. I have since tried other Rx's such as Amitiza, but the side effects were so bad I had to quit after 4 days because I couldn't do anything but lie in bed after taking them.

Anyone who knows me can verify that I am anal retentive (pun wholly intended) about issues of safety and lawfulness. But after being admitted to the ER last week because of sudden and raging abdominal pain - only to be told its "just your IBS acting up" - well, I had to find a solution. Meaning, I had to find an illicit source of my cherished medication (for which I still have a valid prescription with 5 refills).

Through an IBS discussion board (yeah, you can bet we are a FUN crowd!) I found a source in MEXICO. I ordered and sure enough the stuff arrived, exactly the same as what I used to take (same manufacturer, non-expired, except the patient info was in Spanish). It has been working BEAUTIFULLY. But (or shoudl I say, "butt?") it was more than double what I used to pay for my Rx. Hubby balked at the high price of regularity. And I quaked a bit when I had go to my local post office to sign for the weirdly packaged item tied in STRING, from Mexico. I swore DEA agents were going to swarm down on me and throw me in the slammer for my desperate attempt to have a healthy poop!

Luckily I escaped the post office without incident. I still have a handful of pills left and in desperation, this time with a cost factor added to the mix, I ordered from some South Pacific island outfit that ships non-controlled substances to the US and UK at low low discount prices. The hang-up is that they sell GENERICS manufactured in INDIA. For the price, I thought I'd try anyway. What have I got to lose, but a few pounds of poop, right?

I had an appointment with my GI doc the other day and admitted to him my scheming to obtain my beloved Zelnorm from around the globe. He told me, "I won't bust you. And anyway, you have a legitimate prescription from me. My only concern is that you'd be getting sugar pills and thus would be getting ripped-off. But if they work, then do what you think you need to do."

He also reassured me that he heard that my darling drug should be back on the US market within a year but with many restrictions. Until then he gave me some new Rx's to try - but one - an antibiotic that works solely in the gut - lists "sudden excessive  flatulence" as a side effect! Yeah, I'm going to PAY for a pill that makes me FART more than I already do! I'll take my chances with the black market stuff. Or maybe I should call it the "brown market???"

Last night I was updating my MP3 player with a fresh set of peppy 80's dance tracks to accompany my sweaty forays on the treadmill. I thought about songs that would work perfectly with my favorite and apparently unnamed dance style from high school days that has come to be described merely as the "white girl dance." You have seen this move in films like Pretty in Pink (prom scene), and countless 80's sitcoms with school dance scenes.

The moves almost always involved simultaneously bending both knees, swivelling them diagonally with each rhythmic bend. Variations and flourishes include a little pointed-toe kick, double kicks, elbows bending back and forth at 90 degrees and fingers snapping,or hands held in a fist. The face of the dancer is usually cast downward and is emotionless. Often, poofy and/or assymetric highlighted hair bobs in front of the face, obscurring it completley but flirtatiously. These dance moves are highlighted best when accompanied by a wadrobe of multiple bracelets on each wrist, some sort of skirt - either mini or full, and a pointed-toe shoe or boot. Fingerless gloves, or large hip-slung belts imbue a bad-girl vibe, and draw attention to the seemingly tough gesture of the hands and the shimmy of the waist.

I waded though minute after minute of Brit-pop and synth-driven tunes, but finally recalled that, in my mind, the truest "white Girl Dance" number came from not across the pond but across the nation - none other than Cali's own Sparks (with ex-go-go's Jane Wiedlin) and their saccharin-but-I-still-love-it hit, "Cool Places."

A search on Youtube did not net the American Bandstand lip synch of this tune that I recall from my teen years. And, in fact, despite its high-energy beat, the music video made to promote it falls flat. Instead, I offer here (IMHO) a great version of this song by none other than the "fake" pop group from PBS television, Kids Incorporated! The kids do a great job on this, much to my surprise and delight, although I think there are too many "kids" onstage - the duet is perfectly cute on its own. How does this 80's kiddie flashback get us to today? Note that one of the "kids" is none other than Fergie of  Black Eyed Peas fame. Luckily she wasn't up there crooning about her yet-to-develop Lady Lumps back in the day...

Enjoy and get dancing!

I had to share this awesome story from WBBM-CBS-2 Chicago:

(CBS) CHICAGO It’s not every day that a woman in her eighties helps with a lake rescue, but on Thursday, an East Lakeview resident did just that.

As WBBM Newsradio 780's Mike Krauser reports, Gladys Owens, 86, better known as Cookie, is the talk of her retirement home in the 3100 block of North Sheridan Road.

Her building overlooks Belmont Harbor and on Thursday, she witnessed a scary sight.

“I’m looking straight out at the lake and I’m on the 14th floor and I saw a little, very small boat, and it was very rough water and it looked like there was two men in the water,” Owens said.

The sight sent her scrambling for her binoculars, and when she got a closer look, her worries were confirmed. There was a small sailboat, "but there was no one out there to come and give them any aid.”

Owens called 9-1-1, but the Coast Guard could not find the boat on the rough lake, so they called her back. With binoculars in one hand and a telephone in the other, she guided them to the boat.

The Coast Guard found the boat and helped the sailors, but their job was not finished before they called Owens back again.

"Thanks, Mrs. Owens," they said.

Ok  michelle - you asked for it!!! Enjoy!

1. Do you have a tattoo?no, but the stretch marks on my abdomen sometimes resemble "Our Lady of Guadelupe" in the right light...

2. How old are you? Old enough...

3. Are you single or taken? taken

4. Eat with your hands or utensils? I eat with my mouth!

5. Do you dream at night? I dream 24/7

6. Ever seen a corpse? yup - isn't that what wakes are for?

7. George Strait or Jay Z? How about un-straight George Michael?

8. How did we meet? blogging

HERE COMES THE EQUALLY INTERESTING PART...

9. What's your philosophy on life and death? One precedes the other...

10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be? you get to hear all of my lurid tales of the rectory!

11. Do you trust the police?  Well, Stu Copeland is ok but I'm not so sure about that Sting fellow...

12. Do you like Country music? Hee, Haw, yeah!

13. What is your fondest memory of me? a drunken email I got from you last week!

14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? the width of my tuchas

15. Would you cheat ? on my diet? well maybe if I had pms!

16. What do you wear to sleep? eyelids (they keep the light out, yanno...)

17. Have you ever peed in a pool? no but I've had a pedicure on a toilet.

18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to? I can't hide anything; I'm transparent.

19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? Get drunk and shop, duh!
 
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair? Long hair on my cat, Percy; short hair on the OTHER pussy!

21. Do you sing in the shower? I sing in the car and scare other drivers.

22. What's your favorite color? I like all of them

23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?Passed? Passed what? Gas? Ew, who needs more gas bags in this world!

24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you? they are all interesting AND odd!
25. What was your first impression of me? not sure; the plaster-of-paris hasn't set yet
26. Have you ever done drugs? Read the rest of my answers to this quiz...that should answer you question!

27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? I'm posting it right now!!!!

Out of curiosity, I took my daughter to see "Evan Almighty."

I cannot BELIEVE the negative reviews this film is getting!

I have an academic background in film critique and analysis. I am VERY picky, especially when it comes to script writing, pacing/direction and editing. Over the years I have become very jaded with both the lack of quality and rise of negative imagery and themes that have come out of Hollywood. My faith that some good can come from L.A. is renewed!

Having an interest in Stewardship, the film also appealed to me - it has an overall theme of both "general" kindness to others and environmental stewardship, as well as a refreshingly sincere respect for and discussion of the role God plays in our lives, without being saccharin or mawkish.

Steve Carrell ("The Office"), is, as usual, fantastic; he is backed-up with a great supporting cast and many high-budget special effects. Best of all there are enough "in joke" references for adults to keep the humor operating on multiple levels.

If you choose one movie to see this weekend, give "Evan" a try. 

If you haven't guessed, I took an extended vacation to the cabin with my daughter and the dogs since her various summer activities didn't start until this week.

One thing we did that was quite enjoyable was hike into Roche-A-Cri state park (about 5 minutes south of our cabin) and climb the 303 stairs to the top!

The weather was perfect and the view was lovely. I was shocked that it was so empty - we were the only climbers at that time - but then it was a Wednesday at 11 am.

I check out the predicted and actual temps in both our primary home and our Wisconsin hideaway each day on weather.com.

Although our house in IL is small and totally shaded by trees, by mid-May, when the temps hit the 80's mark, we seem to need air conditioning running in at least one room.Its not the heat, its that heavy, sticky  "humid" air. Granted we are about 30 miles west of Lake Michigan so "cooler by the lake" certainly does not apply here.

But even if temps get HIGHER up north, we merely open a window or two, let a ceiling fan run, and we are all completely comfortable. The humidity seems nonexistent there. Now at that location we are about 6 miles for a good-sized lake (technically a "flowage" as its a dammed-up part of the Wisconsin river).

I have come to the conclusion that its not humidity that's holding heat heavy in the suburban air - its POLLUTION. Our Northeast Illinois air is a swampy soup of various pollutants...how could it not retain some fo the sun's warmth? Sadly, even the greenery planted everywhere there isn't concrete can't offset the relentless spew of car/truck fumes.

Ironically, much of the groundwater, as well as the lake up north are polluted in some way - either by nitrites from agricultrual runoff or (in the case of the lake) phosphates flowing downriver from the paper mills. The water in our well up there tested "safe for human consumption" by the county but we stick with bottled water, anyway. I use the well water for washing, etc. Down the road we may have a new well dug - ours is currently only 25ft deep. When we had a well in our IL house the water was gloriously clean and delicious - but the well was over 100ft deep.

I'm trying my best to keep our daily polluting to minimal levels - we recycle EVERYTHING, use as little electricity as possible, don't use the car unless we have to, and try no to run the A/C unless it gets unbearable in the house.

If you want to see the pollution over the Chicago skyline, check out the Midwest Haze-cam!

As expected, we will be packing up the van and hauling up to our cabin in Wisconsin for the long weekend.

This morning, I noted to my daughter, "Why don't you plug in and charge up your gameboy for the weekend?"

Her reply validated all of my hopes for the type of activity and mindset we would experience when we visit the woods.

"Mom, I think I can do without the Gameboy. I think I'll just work on craft projects, read  and play outside."

No tv, no video games, no internet. Sounds like heaven to me!

Today happens to be my 10th wedding anniversary.

But...well...

Hubby and I put more stock into our "first date anniversary" (which happens to be St. patrick's day) because it is just more meaningful to us.

So what are our plans for tonight?

I slept poorly last night, am wiped out, and its a school night...so takeout fried chicken is looking like its on the dinner menu! As long as its not KFC, I'm down with that.

Only in Wisconsin - where the state drink is BEER!

We bought a mower to tackle the acreage up Wisco way...and when hubby and I unloaded it from the van, we were surprised and delighted to find it had a CUPHOLDER!

I donned my goofiest (intentionally so) sun visor (bought on the Atlantic City boardwalk last summer), junky sweats, and was about to tackle the Great Green Way that is our yard up in Big Flats...until hubby came running out of the house with a can of Point beer for me to sip while mowing (its brewed about 40 minutes North of the cabin...)

The cupholder is visible to the left of the seat. Try to find it in the picture!