So...

In a few weeks I am going on a "retreat" for women at my Church. Yeah, yeah, I can hear y'all groaning now...but sh*t if nothing else, its a helluva lot cheaper than a weekend at Canyon Ranch!

Anyway...

At the end of day one there is "opportunity for the sacrament of reconciliation." That's what used to be the little booth-n-screen confessionals of yesteryear but now is kinda like an abbreviated therapist's appointment in a smaller room. You sit face- to-face and "confess" your sins or whatever. I'm really not sure because, uh, I think my last confession was in 8th grade. The priest running the weekend reassured me that "we don't make anyone go to confession" but I'm thinking that it'd be somewhat defeatist not to check it out and go for it. I'm that kind of person - give me a challenge and I'll take a shot at it.

Which brings me to the more "entertaining" portion of this entry. You see, I've been working over a few of my ideas of WHAT to confess and how to phrase it.

The lame one would be to say I've been taking communion without going to confesion first. *yawn*. Next.

"I get angry at people when I'm driving." Oh, boo-hoo, who doesn't?! Next.

"I listen to suggestive music." OK, the fact that T-Pain's mangling of the English language vis-a-vis I'm N Luv Wit A Stripperwas produced and is making him MONEY is a sin in and of itself. Although, dang, it has a catchy hook. Move on.

Another not-too-humiliating yet plausible fallback would be "I use foul and offensive language" which is a good one, because it relates directly to one of the 10 commandments - always a solid bet for "sin" classification purposes. Then if the priest dared to ask for an example, I could generate some really clever and simultaneously confusing verbiage. None of which would actually be part of the FCC's Not For Airplay censor list, but which still ring with a distinct air of tsk-tsk. "Holy twigs 'n berries!"; "Criminy Christmas!"; "Freaking freak!" (or alternatively, "Friggin frick!") and "Sugar Walls" (thanks, Sheena Easton!)

My husband dared me to imply an offense by phrasing my confession as a question: "Is taking it up the butt a sin?" just to gauge the priest's reaction. Well, this ain't no episode of Punk'd, so I think I'll pass on the ass.

I'm sure, gentle readers, that YOU have some fabulous ideas to amaze, delight and perhaps even amuse without arousing too much suspicion in the confessional - care to share???